w/o killing anyone?

1) rape my wife because she’s a whore anyway
2) sleep with another woman
3) divorce
4) other

I suggest you have your wife read your own posting. Let her see you want to make it work, BUT…

While she may well be sorry for her actions, she is responsible for them. From what you’re describing, she’s trying to make excuses for VERY poor choices. She doesn’t have that option, to make such poor choices as your wife. She’s made commitments and obligations to you.

After she sees how serious you are about this, she needs to be the one making the efforts to change. Therapy for sure. No playing on the computer. Ever. The time outside of work should have been efforts at her own marriage. She needs to grow up and take responsibility for her life and actions. If she’s not willing to do that, and she doesn’t seem to be, wish her well. She will continue this with various men who will come and go her whole life. She’ll always look for someone to fill the void in her life, and no one man will be able to do what no man can do. She needs something from within her, and no one guy will ever be “it”. If she can own up to what she’s done and do some VERY hard work, she might be a wife for you.

Blessings to you Jaye.

A similar situation happened three years ago. I discovered an ongoing affair she was having with her old boyfriend. She claimed that her heart was “torn in two” and couldn’t find it in her heart to leave him. Naïve as I was, I allowed her space, some ten months, to go back and forth between him and myself. Her reasoning was that he was “stuck” in life and she was trying to help him out. Eventually, after many months of counseling, she broke off the affair. She did show great remorse and promised never to do anything like that again. She told me that she had a new appreciation for me and loved only me.

Here we go again. After two months of living with this man, she misses me and our lives that we shared together and is begging to come back home. She told me that she has discovered that this recent experience was fueled by extreme anger. I had no clue that she was angry about anything. In fact, we hadn’t had any arguments for several years, and there were no avoidance issues either. We had been going out to dinners together, to movies, and spending time with her family. Looking back in hindsight, during the past five months of our existence, she was on the Internet playing popular games and chatting with people from the moment she got up in the morning to the time she went to bed, with the exception of the 40 hours she spent at work each week.

While I truly believe that she is sorry for her actions, I’m not so sure that she is able to control them. She informed me at the beginning of our relationship that she had been sexually molested as a child for many years. The two men whom she had been living with both demonstrate very strong, controlling personalities, and I do believe that they had both greatly influenced her decision to remain with them, even when she claimed that she would cry herself to sleep each night.

What should I do? I’ve already initiated divorce proceedings. I stand to lose most of the material assets that I’ve worked so diligently to achieve, but after all, these are only temporal and material. I have concluded to cut my losses in order to maintain my heart, my character, and the reputation I’ve worked a lifetime to build. I do love her dearly, and I’ve been a good, loving, and providing husband to her. Most of my family and friends tell me that she will probably do this again under the right circumstances. Even though my heart is not really in this divorce, I have been reluctantly following their advice. If I could just see a small bit of hope, I would drop the divorce.

Anyone out there with some good advice? Could there be hope in salvaging this marriage? Is there a great likelihood that this cheating and lying pattern will continue?

Thanks…

Jaye

You sound like a eligible bachelor that many women are looking for. Why are you willingly to go back to someone who INTENTIONALLY broke your heart? Did you love that feeling and want more pain? Also don’t you think you should show your children whats right and wrong? Your kids are going to grow up believing that cheating and breaking a SACRED commitment is OK. That’s there are no consequences. What you need to do is continue being on good terms with your wife, explain to kids that things are OK and will continue to be OK. As for yourself, those self help books should of given you the message that to this world gave you a beating, and you became a strong person from that. So you picked yourself back up and lived your life the way Rob wants it lived…. that’s the healthy way to accept life and continue on…

By the way, the guy your wife cheated on you with will continue their relationship with “trust issues.” That relationship will not work out for long. He is just a temoparary distraction from the real problem which your wife hasn’t overcome yet and might not if she continues running from it. You sound like you were a good husband, who tried his best, that my friend makes you a better person already =)
One last thought of advice.. do NOT look back to the 14 years you were married, but look FORWARD to the next 14 years of bliss… children graduation, birthdays, holidays with your family, people who love you for you. LIVE FOR THE FUTURE NOT THE PAST..

Hope this helped.

Good Luck